This is my 13th TAP of the year! I feel like this year has so far been a year of plenty of changes in order to fit my goal of choosing happiness in life. One of which is ending toxic friendships. The type of friendship that you want to make it work, but it’s doing more harm to you than good. Not always physically, as it is sometimes mentally. I have also been having to fight the temptation to return to those friendships after I made the final cut. Warning this one is it a bit ramble session, but this was one of those long journal entries of mine.
How do you begin to fight temptation? You know that something isn’t good for you, but there is always a part of you that wants to do it anyways. When that something is that toxic to your mental health, how far are you willing to let it go on before you finally say enough is enough? One of the main reasons I chose #choosehappiness to be my quote this year is because I finally said enough was enough.
Temptation is something that taps us on the shoulder everyday. Temptation to skip a class, to eat more food even when you’re way past full, or to get involved with a guy that has blown you off before just because you think he’s attractive. My temptations eat at me everyday. Some I am good at avoiding and some I’ll give in at. This particular temptation that inspired this blog post was an old friend of mine popping back up into the atmosphere. This specific friend is actually one I talked about way back in January in my blog post “Making Changes“. The change itself didn’t go into full effect until February, but it was my intention to end the toxic friendship from the start of 2017.
I got tired of being the only one to try to make plans to hang out. More than half the times I would ask, this friend would say no. After they’d say no, this friend didn’t care to offer another time they’d be available. Just straight up “no I’m busy”. It’s not like this is new though. It’s been going on for about a year or two. To be honest, I kept playing a game of deciding to end the friendship one second, then the next second I would drop everything to be friends with this person again because they finally asked if I wanted to do something.
That’s one thing I look back on, and I wish I didn’t do as much. Because I realized a long time ago that this friend didn’t value my friendship all that much. I knew this person was capable of being a good friend because I could see all the pictures they would post with their other friends. All the tweets and snap chats this person involving their other friends. Even when I could see the difference in how this person treated me versus their other friends, even with the lack of communication where this person wouldn’t talk to me for months, I would still go back and be friends again.
By the time I made the official decision that I was done with this friendship in February, I was so mentally exhausted with it all. So I made the cut quietly and without any confrontations(to no surprise the friend still hasn’t even noticed that I stopped communicating with them). In order to try to make it easier, I stopped texting this person, I stopped following them on some social media, and muted them on others. I did that social media cleansing because it was hard for me to make the transition at first, but I didn’t want to risk giving in again.
Here I am, almost two months later, and I feel much better about the choice. I find myself rarely thinking about it, and when I do, my anger and hurt is gone. The point of this temptation towards returning to a toxic friendship is that today I was tempted for the first time in two months. This friend of mine finally reached out and asked me to go do something with them. After two months of radio silence, and very spotty communication before that, I realized this friend really did take me for granted. When they didn’t have anyone else to go to, they fell back on me. After an hour of contemplating what I should do, I finally texted back that I didn’t think so.
Some people may think I shouldn’t have responded at all, but I had my reasons. Our friendship didn’t end in a heated argument. To be honest, our friendship clearly ended one-sided, as this person hasn’t even realized that it was over after two months of not speaking. I responded back because it gave me power. It gave me the power to keep me from giving in. It gave me the strength to value myself, and the value I have when it comes to being a good friend.
To be honest, I have no idea what the future holds. We could rekindle our friendship. Of course, that would only be after we sit down and talk about the issues, and be able to move on from them. All I know, is that time is not now. I have felt so happy and refreshed the past couple months without worrying over a toxic failing friendship. It is what I needed to do to feel better, and what I did to choose happiness.
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